Joke Thread

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Althalus

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« Reply #420 on: October 17, 2007, 12:04:35 PM »

Quote from: The Queen OF Class
Alt that was funny matey.



I do try   it is hard to post a joke without it being too offensive


Here is an old one or two



A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says "F*** off, you won't bring it back.".





A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc."




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Darkon

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« Reply #421 on: October 17, 2007, 03:21:26 PM »

Hahaha, those were funny Alth. Nice, keep them coming.
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Etora

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« Reply #422 on: October 17, 2007, 07:02:02 PM »

insulted

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.
All the time, the darn phone was ringing of f the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
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The Queen OF Class

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« Reply #423 on: October 17, 2007, 07:28:41 PM »

I have wanted to expalin the use of a rectal thermometer to many a person in my time
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Darkon

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« Reply #424 on: October 17, 2007, 07:29:35 PM »

*chuckles* A druggist is a pharmacologist in this case? Apothecary?

Not a bad joke.
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Val

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« Reply #425 on: October 19, 2007, 11:51:27 PM »

Quote from: Darkon
*chuckles* A druggist is a pharmacologist in this case? Apothecary?

Not a bad joke.

We're talking about a chemist, mate.
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Darkon

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« Reply #426 on: October 20, 2007, 11:53:00 AM »

That's the same one not, or is it an XTC producing kind of chemist instead of a paracetamol providing one? *boggle*  
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The Squire Of Forest Deep

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« Reply #427 on: November 03, 2007, 07:31:00 AM »

Hoping these haven't been posted before:

Different perspectives:

Optimist-
The glass is half full.

Pessimist-
The glass is half empty.

Realist-
The glass is.

Idealist-
The glass should be full.

Feminist-
MY glass looks LESS full than HIS!

Environmentalist-
Save the water.

Anarchist-
Let's BREAK the glass!

Capitalist-
No, let's SELL the glass.

Scientist-
It's 50%H20, 40% N2 + 10% 02.



Government Explained:

Pure Democracy-
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy-
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to decide who gets the milk.

Socialism-
You have two cows. The government cuts one in half to give to someone else.

Feudalism-
Your lord has two cows. You look after them and he takes some of the milk.

Bureaucratic Socialism-
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. The cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The governmnet gives you as much eggs and milk as the regulations say you need.

Facism-
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism-
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you to take care of them and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism-
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Cambodian Communism-
You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes both.

Dictatorship-
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Bureaucracy-
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchism-
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours will take your cows and kill you.
Capitalism-
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Clinton's Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull; take out a huge loan on the cow, ignore both the cow and the loan from that point on; then you try to milk the bull and blame the Japanese for its lack of production.

And just for fun; Surrealism-
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2007, 07:32:15 AM by The Squire Of Forest Deep »
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Darkon

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« Reply #428 on: November 03, 2007, 07:41:53 PM »

Don't know if they were Squirrel. They stay funny eventhough I had already read them once before.
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A nation is a group of people united by a mistaken view about the past and a hatred of their neighbours. - Karl Deutsch

Jaszon, Duke of Krondor.

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« Reply #429 on: November 03, 2007, 07:44:16 PM »

lol. i have read these before aswell but its been years and they are awesome ^-^
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Edhelur

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« Reply #430 on: November 04, 2007, 03:03:38 AM »

The 'cows' one has been posted ... but a while back (some six months -ish)

Never seen the glass one before though.
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Etora

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« Reply #431 on: November 23, 2007, 04:08:32 AM »

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately the baby, was born without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said," What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes, the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision "
"That's great," said little Johnny, "cuz he'd be s***-outta-luck if he needed glasses."
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Kevinator9

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« Reply #432 on: November 25, 2007, 08:19:27 PM »

These are some good jokes, the ones you usually hear are so boring
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Edhelur

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« Reply #433 on: November 29, 2007, 12:52:30 AM »

<insert standard disclaimer here, because it's my friend's joke and.. well. Yeah. Yes, another frog joke.. did I post the first one here?>

A man was out golfing one day. Around noon, his friends left him a little ways behind, he was walking a bit slower, and he happens to hear a little noise as he's walking. He looks down, and he sees a little frog, and he hears it say, "Riiiibbit, pick me up. Riiibit, pick me up." So, a bit bemused, he picks the little frog up.
"Hey, you're kinda cute, for a frog," he says, and puts the little frog in his breast pocket. He keeps walking, still a bit behind his friends, so they don't see his little frog.
When they get to the next hole, and he's putting, he hears the frog say, "riiiiiibit, hit more left. Riiiibit". So he does, and gets a two-below-par score. The rest of the day, he keeps following the frog's advice, and he plays the best game that day than he'd ever played before.
"Hey, thanks, frog!" he says. He thinks for a moment, then says, "Do you have any ideas what I should do next?"
"Riiiibit, dinner, riiiiibit!"
So he goes to the nice restaurant he'd never gone to before but had wanted to visit for a while. He orders all the things the frog tells him to, and finds everything delicious. "Wow, frog!" he says. "That was the best dinner I've ever had! What should I do next?"
"Riiiibbit, hotel, riiiibbit!"
So he goes to a really nice hotel, and checks in for the night. He goes up to his room; it's positively luxurious. Huge bed with really nice looking quilts, a big shower and the conditioner left by the sink actually smells good. He lies on his back on the big bed, and sighs happily. "That was a wonderful day, frog," he says. "Is there anything more I can do?"
"Riiiibbit, kiss me! riiiibbit!"
He looks sort of hesitant, and asks, "You sure?"
"Riiiibbit, kiss me!"
So he picks up the frog, and gives it a really small peck-kiss on its head. The frog immediately transforms into a girl, about fourteen years old, but rather mature looking.

"And that, your honor, is how she got in my bed."
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"They had tried to reach their living fellows in fabled depths of blackness they had never seen - and what had they found? ... We looked and understood what must have triumphed and survived down there in the Cyclopean water city of that nighted, penguin-fringed abyss..."

Ellia

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #434 on: March 17, 2008, 07:21:27 AM »

Hope this hasn't been posted...it's been a while since I've gone through this thread :)

Five Minutes Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
 
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
 
The priest nearly had an accident.
 
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
 
 
 
Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
 
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
 
Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
 
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
 


 
Lesson 5
 
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
 


Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!
 
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
 
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
   friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
   your mouth shut!


     THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
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涼風有信 秋月無邊 虧我思嬌情緒 好比度日如年 雖則我唔係玉樹臨風 瀟灑倜儻 但我有廣闊既胸襟 加強勁既臂彎

Passion Chokes the Flower 'til She Cries No More
Possessing All the Beauty Hungry Still For More

Great One

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #435 on: February 16, 2010, 05:50:17 PM »

Bring back the jokes!
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Great One

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #436 on: August 20, 2010, 09:16:24 PM »

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