I'm up and down a lot recently. My mood is just swinging away. Pretty sure most of you know the story and are now tired of listening to me complain. The shortest version of the events that I can come up for those not in the know or ignoring me:
My relationship has been awful for a few years now, but I don't have much confidence in myself and my already low self-esteem started burrowing so it could reach new lows. I've decided to break things off with her several times and always talked myself out of it because...
1) I'm afraid.
- I'm afraid of what she might do. I don't see her being happy with the situation and I can see her being violent.
- I'm afraid of what comes next. I don't like being alone. I feel lonely enough as it is and it is a miserable feeling... it only gets worse from here.
- I'm afraid that this is it for me as far as relationships go. I don't know why anyone would want to be with me. And given that I have failed every single time I've somehow gathered the courage to ask someone out, I'm pretty sure no one would. I mean, unless they are looking to take advantage of me.
2) It is convenient. I am unhappy and I hate myself and things are only getting worse and worse, but it is easier than being alone and lonely and slowly turning further inward and bitter.
3) I often feel as though I deserve this situation.
I've decided to stop talking myself out of it and pull the trigger. My original plan was to do it this coming Spring, when I would have the funds to buy a car and wouldn't be forced to walk to work. It is an awful reason, I know, but look how long I've already lasted. A few months seems like a long time, but it really isn't.
Except when it is. The above is both a high and a low. I am eager to get this over with. I want to be happy. Yes, I'm still afraid, but this has been a long time coming and I just can't do this anymore. I am angry all the time. I'm perpetually broke. And I've found myself falling for someone else.
She's a coworker, someone who I have known for just about five years and whom I have always had a very high opinion of. I haven't always had a romantic interest in her, but that has developed slowly over the past year or so and rapidly over the past few months. I don't know if she is interested. I doubt that she is. I know many of the guys she has been interested in over the years and I am the exact opposite of them. She knows of my situation now though and has been encouraging me to get on with it and try to be happy.
So... I am. The months I had planned to wait have shrunk to a matter of weeks. Yes, I am still afraid. I am not keen on being stranded without a car, but at least I will be getting exercise. I'm hoping that when the time comes and I ask my coworker if she'd like to go on a date, she'll say yes, even if my life will be kind of a mess for a while to come. I have my doubts and those doubts really slam me into a low mood, but I can't turn back now.